Mana

rising:

Being drunk is really fun. Being thin is even better. Is it possible to have it all? Can you still drink 4 nights a week without looking like Precious?

I’m here to tell you that yes, you can have it all.

1. Don’t eat dinner before you drink. Not only will you skip out on all of those calories from dinner, but you’ll get drunk faster! This means you’ll consume fewer liquid calories as well!

Watch out for… Munchies that set in around 2am. You must avoid all kinds of food, especially if it’s frozen or fast. If you drink the extra couple of shots to put you over the edge, maybe you’ll pass out, which is the surest way to stop yourself from eating.

2. SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! No chaser. A shot has anywhere from 60-90 calories. That’s a lot, but not so much when you realize that your last cookie probably had 250. You don’t want to add juice or soda to all those calories. Fuck beer, they call it a “beer belly” for a reason.

Watch out for… the time it takes for that alcohol to hit you.

3. Meet Skinny Bitch and Tricky Dick. These are your new friends if you just can’t handle those shots or need to back off for a while. Skinny Bitch is a diet coke and vodka, Tricky Dick is a fresca+vodka.

Watch out for… people judging you for ordering these drinks.

4. Smoke! Everyone knows that next to coke, smoking is the best way to stay skinny. It will make #1 much easier to follow as it suppresses your appetite.

Watch out for… lung cancer. early aging.

5. Burn Calories During your Night Out. This could be in the form of a very long bar crawl, safely walking home, going to a dance club, or having sex because you followed #1 and #2 a little too well.

Watch out for… STDS, rapists, aching feet

Extra Credit: Purge!

Rising does not endorse any of the aforementioned items and cannot be held liable for any attempts to emulate the above non-advice. If you are really serious about losing weight you should consult your doctor. Or just do coke.